May I please open my heart to you, and bring my questions and concerns to your attention? Would you mind if I even question your existence? It seems like a barrier one shouldn’t cross, but how will I ever find you if I stay behind that wall?

I’ve been reading this book¹ that proves that you don’t exist. It was a good book, I loved it. I kept jumping up to disagree, and in this way I had a little bit of a conversation with the author and learned a lot. He raised all the questions I also have for as long as I remember. Like how can we know that we don’t make up everything ourselves? Perhaps there is some pride in that thought, but it’s also a sincere question, a deep fear that we’re ultimately alone. But then, on the other hand, the idea that we’re surrounded by all sorts of spiritual invisible personalities is very frightening too, and it is a great comfort to me to see such things more in perspective. That perhaps a spirit is just what you get when things or people start interacting. Like the cloud of starling birds² I saw recently.

The main issue comes, I think, with consciousness. I am relatively sure that I am conscious, though not all the time, and actually I feel that the most interesting part of me is my subconscious, nevertheless, all that’s in there can only be appreciated once it gets to the surface. Now my question is: are you conscious? And the second question is: how will I be able to tell? And then lastly, will you be good to me?

The answer is that you know me, and I know that you know, and you have been careful with that knowledge. So many deeply personal things brought to me by people unaware of the hidden secrets between you and me. As when I read George Herbert’s poem³, and knew you’d seen me the other day when I dared not enter the church. Or when I complained to you that you’d locked me out of your house precisely when I needed rest, and you showed me a little bird in a garden, and the next day someone mentioned the poem ‘prayer’, and I found there the bird of paradise, my bird, the bird that you showed me, with the explanation that these birds need no rest, as they are always in heaven⁴. Could all this, and more, be a coincidence? Is that the most likely⁵ explanation?

And now I wonder, do you want to be known? As I do? Would you like me to know you? Would you share with me your secret thoughts? I’m afraid I probably can’t bear so much, but I’ll try to take the time and listen.

Yours, Ruth

1. The big picture: On the origins of life, meaning and the universe itself by Sean Carroll.
2. https://www.allaboutbirds.org/how-do-starling-flocks-create-those-mesmerizing-murmurations/
3. Love III
4. https://interestingliterature.com/2017/12/05/a-short-analysis-of-george-herberts-prayer-i/
5. A reference to the book “The big picture” that kept saying that we can’t prove with 100% certainty whether or not God exists, but we should be reasonable and accept the most likely explanation of the things we see.